Depths of Blue Page 26

  “It’s not like I’ve exactly had the best opportunities,” Jak said ruefully. Torrin stretched out next to her, and Jak curled into her, placing her head on Torrin’s chest. “It’s not like I’ve ever really had an interest in any of the men I knew, and I certainly couldn’t approach them.”

  “Why?” Torrin asked.

  “Duh, I was dressed as a man,” Jak explained unnecessarily. “No guy was ever going to look at me twice. Not unless there was already something wrong with him.”

  Torrin looked down at the top of Jak’s head. She threaded her fingers through short, blond hair. It was barely long enough to grip, but Torrin tightened her fingers and tilted Jak’s face up toward her. They kissed hungrily. Torrin broke off their kiss and regarded her soberly.

  “What do you mean ‘wrong with him’?” she asked. “You do know, don’t you, that there’s nothing wrong with a man who loves men or with a woman who loves women. It happens all the time. On most planets, except the most backward and repressed ones, it’s perfectly natural. You can’t help which gender you’re attracted to. It just happens. Love wants what it wants.”

  “I can’t help what I feel for you, that’s for sure.” Jak avoided her eyes and trailed the fingers of her left hand lightly over Torrin’s rib cage. Jak’s fingertips left expanding pools of fire behind them as they traveled inexorably toward her nipples. “All I know is that I had one of those orgasms, but you didn’t.” She grinned up into Torrin’s eyes and rubbed a palm over her breast. Torrin inhaled sharply and closed her eyes. Jak was a quick study.

  Jak lay on her side, facing away from Torrin, who spooned against her, one arm around her rib cage and a leg draped over her knees. She couldn’t get over how good it felt to have Torrin pressed nude against her skin. She hadn’t realized how much she’d craved contact until she suddenly had it. When Torrin’s hands had danced over her body, she’d felt like an instrument being played by a master musician. Torrin had known exactly what to do to send her into heights of rapture. Jak smiled. She thought she’d surprised the smuggler a time or two herself. This might not be her area of expertise, but she was definitely enjoying the chance to learn.

  But why then, if everything was so good, was she lying there awake when by all rights she should be in exhausted slumber like Torrin? She was still bone-tired, probably from her stim abuse and the unanticipated exertion. Her clit tightened at the mere thought of their activities, and she could feel wet warmth radiating from the apex of her thighs. All over again, she ached for Torrin.

  If only she could believe what Torrin had told her. Other planets had people who loved each other regardless of gender? How could that be possible? Here, to be caught making love with someone of the same sex was tantamount to suicide. Try as she might, Jak couldn’t shake the feeling that they were engaged in acts both forbidden and unforgivable.

  She closed her eyes tight against the darkness of her thoughts. Despite her best efforts, dampness leaked out between her eyelids. The harder she tried to stop the harder she cried. Before long she was suppressing deep sobs. Torrin’s arms tightened against her for a second and Jak froze, worried she’d woken her lover. The deep rhythms of Torrin’s breathing didn’t change, though, and Jak relaxed. Even the unconscious show of tenderness from Torrin didn’t help. If anything she felt worse.

  Why was she crying now? She’d barely cried since Bron died. For the first time in two years she had someone who knew about her deception and didn’t care. By all rights she should be happy, but she couldn’t reconcile what they’d done with what she’d been taught. One way or another it wouldn’t last; they would be caught and put to death or worse. Women who were caught in homosexual acts were often subjected to punitive rape. For some reason, men seemed to think they only needed to be shown the error of their ways. She really didn’t want Torrin to have to go through that on her account. Hell, she didn’t want to go through that herself. The best-case scenario was that Torrin would leave before they could be caught. But…then she’d be alone once again with her secret.

  Eyes shut, Jak bore down on her emotions, walling them away. Crying wouldn’t solve anything, only action would. Why couldn’t she determine which course of action was best? Finally dry-eyed, she contemplated her limited options long into the night.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “You are so beautiful,” Torrin whispered, running a finger up the side of Jak’s torso and over to her breast. She couldn’t believe her luck. Jak was turning out to be a wonderful lover. In just a few days, she’d set about discovering all she could about Torrin’s body and what made her scream. Since their first night together, they’d been snatching what little bits of time they could between meetings and training sessions. Jak’s fingers were pure magic, but that was nothing compared to what she could do with her tongue. “Your breasts could have been made with me in mind.”

  Jak looked up shyly and met Torrin’s eyes. Her skin had flushed at Torrin’s praise. It was true, though, Torrin thought. Though the skin of Jak’s face and arms was bronzed from the sun, her torso and legs were a luminous alabaster. Her own hand looked dark against Jak’s rib cage. Unable to resist, she drew her nails across Jak’s ribs, glorying at the goose bumps that rose in the wake of her fingers. Jak gasped and wriggled on the bed.

  “Stop it,” Jak whispered. “That tickles!”

  Torrin grinned widely. She knew very well that it tickled. That was why she’d done it. That Jak was ticklish was a delightful and unexpected vulnerability. She liked seeing Jak’s human side. She usually projected an aura of frightening competence. That Jak was able to share her vulnerability made Torrin happier than she could express.

  “I know,” Torrin teased. “So what are you going to do to stop me?” She brought her other hand into play, running them along both sides of Jak’s ribs.

  Jak tried to curl herself into a little ball. She had to laugh even as she tried to stifle the chuckles. There was nothing masculine about her laugh, and Torrin knew Jak worried about discovery. Worried, hell. She obsessed about it. Torrin knew she had good reason to fear discovery of her true nature, but she wished that it didn’t have to extend to their few stolen moments of intimacy. Their end of the barracks was mostly empty. Most of the sniper pairs who inhabited the barracks were out on various assignments. Torrin hadn’t seen any other soldiers in their end of the building for a few days.

  Finally, when Jak couldn’t stand it any longer, she reached out and grabbed Torrin’s wrists. Torrin grinned at her, and Jak leaned forward to capture her lips.

  “If that’s how you’re going to stop me from tickling you, I’ll have to do it more often.” Torrin surfaced, breathless from the passion Jak poured into her. As usual, Jak’s slightest touch sent her into a spiral of rising arousal. The full-on assault of Jak’s lips had her ready to come all over again. She could feel the heat where Jak’s breasts pressed against hers. Her nipples ached where they rubbed against Jak’s skin.

  “You should sleep here tonight,” Torrin said.

  Jak lifted a shoulder and Torrin shivered at the movement against her chest. “We’ll see” was all she said before leaning down to cover Torrin’s mouth again. As their tongues locked, she relinquished her hold on one of Torrin’s wrists and slid her hand down between them, covering Torrin’s mound. Torrin moaned into Jak’s mouth. She felt Jak’s lips spread as she smiled at the enthusiastic reaction.

  “Look what I found,” Jak said when their lips parted.

  “Oh, I know exactly what you found,” Torrin replied and pressed herself harder against Jak’s palm. Agile fingers deftly slipped between her damp labia and into the wet warmth beneath. Fingers circled her erect clit and she cried out, only to have her mouth taken again by Jak.

  “Hush,” Jak said against Torrin’s mouth as her fingers continued to circle and tweak Torrin’s throbbing clit.

  Torrin gritted her teeth. She’d always been a noisy lay; it went against every instinct to muffle the sounds of her passion. Jak slid her fingers do
wn further, teasing her by rubbing them gently over the entrance to her pussy. Slowly, she slid a finger in to the first knuckle, then back out again. When she moved her fingers, slick with Torrin’s juices back up to her clit, Torrin couldn’t take it any longer.

  “Take me,” she ordered hoarsely, opening her legs. Jak sat back for a moment, staring with unabashed admiration at her exposed pussy.

  “You’re so wet,” Jak said. The tip of her tongue snaked out between her teeth, and she bit down on it slightly. Torrin exhaled heavily through her nose. She recognized that look. Jak meant business; she was locked on target.

  With a tenderness that made Torrin’s heart ache, Jak covered Torrin’s exposed mound with her hand and settled between Torrin’s legs. Her weight pushed Torrin deliciously down into the bed and she groaned in appreciation. She undulated her hips against Jak’s hand. The friction on her clit pushed her higher, but she wanted more. She wanted Jak inside her, to fill her up, to take her completely.

  “I want to come with you,” Jak whispered, staring into Torrin’s eyes. Torrin’s clit pulsed at the words, and she bit down on her lower lip to keep from coming right then. She shifted a leg over and Jak straddled it, grinding her wet center against the clenched and quivering muscles of Torrin’s thigh. Jak threw her head back, breasts heaving as Torrin worked her leg against her. Her hand clutched convulsively at Torrin’s pussy.

  “I’m almost there,” Torrin gasped, sensation overwhelming her.

  “Me too,” Jak groaned. She rubbed Torrin’s clit with the heel of her palm and rode her thigh. Torrin jerked her hips against Jak’s hand, drawing another moan from Jak.

  “Give it to me,” Torrin growled. She reached down and drew a fingertip across Jak’s clit as Jak pressed two fingers against her opening. The answering jerk of Jak’s hips plunged her fingers deep inside Torrin. Being taken so utterly almost shattered the last of Torrin’s control. She had just enough presence of mind to pull the pillow over her face. Jak withdrew both fingers before pushing them back into her, slowly at first, then picking up speed. She rocked on Torrin’s thigh in time with her thrusts. The feeling of Jak’s fingers moving within her pushed Torrin higher and higher until she couldn’t hold back any longer. Light burst behind her corneas as her release crashed through her. She screamed into the pillow. Above her, Jak continued to rock on her thigh for a few more seconds before stiffening over her. She slowly collapsed against Torrin’s still-heaving chest.

  Torrin gathered Jak in her arms and held her as they both rode out their aftershocks. She ran fingers over the blond stubble of Jak’s scalp and murmured nonsense words in her ear.

  Too soon, Jak rolled out of her embrace and lay on the bed, her hand in Torrin’s. She stared at the ceiling and Torrin propped herself up on one elbow and watched her profile closely. Sometimes Jak went somewhere else after they made love. It hurt her to see the distance wrapping around her lover like a blanket, muffling the intensity of the experience.

  “Where’s your mind going?” Torrin stroked her free hand down the middle of Jak’s chest. She couldn’t imagine the constant discomfort that Jak must be in having her breasts bound. Torrin had made love to women with larger breasts, but Jak wasn’t exactly poorly endowed.

  “Hmm?” Jak looked over at her, eyes still distant. “Oh, nowhere. Just feeling, I guess.”

  “Feeling good, I hope.”

  Jak cracked a smile and Torrin’s heart soared in her chest. She rarely got smiles out of Jak, but every time she saw one, she felt like maybe a relationship was possible. Sure, they had a lot stacked against them, but if they could connect on a meaningful level, then they could conquer any obstacle. She really liked Jak and didn’t want to lose her. Maybe more than liked. But such feelings were moving much too quickly for love-’em-and-leave-’em Torrin and she focused on the curve of Jak’s neck instead.

  “Feeling great,” Jak said lightly. “How could I feel any other way after all that?” She waved a hand expansively.

  “How, indeed?”

  Silence lapsed between them again.

  “I’m glad they were made for something,” Jak said out of the blue.

  Torrin glanced over at her, confused. “Glad what?”

  “My breasts. You said you thought they were made for you. I’m glad they were made for something. Or someone. I never felt like they were made for me. For the longest time, they’ve just been in the way. I didn’t see the point of having them. If I could have gotten rid of them I would have.”

  “That would have been a crime against humanity. To deprive the world of a pair of such perfection.”

  Jak blushed hotly at her words. “For the record, I’m reconsidering.”

  “Good.”

  “I mean, now I’ve discovered what they’re good for.” Jak smiled and Torrin’s heart fluttered once again. Torrin smiled back, completely enchanted.

  Silence descended, but this time it felt more comfortable.

  “So what did you want to do with your life?” Torrin asked before Jak could use the silence as an excuse to leave. “Before you had to become a man and join the army, that is.”

  Brow furrowed, Jak stared at the ceiling. She mulled the question. The silence stretched even further, and Torrin began to worry that she’d caused offense with her off-handed question.

  “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable.”

  Pushing herself over on her side to face Torrin, Jak smiled at her briefly. This one didn’t touch her eyes.

  “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” she said. Torrin got the feeling Jak was trying to reassure her. “I just haven’t really thought about it.”

  “How could you not have thought about it?” Torrin asked, confused. “Surely you had something you wanted to be when you grew up.”

  “Not really,” Jak confessed. “I mean, I started going out with my father to help him hunt when I was ten. Before that, I helped my mom around the house. She died when I was seven and after that it was up to me to take care of my brother while Dad made sure he could feed us. We spent time with the neighbor family down the valley, but a lot of the time it was just me to take care of Bron. I had to grow up pretty quickly.”

  “So no dreams of your own, then?”

  “Not really. Not unless you count dreaming about blowing out the brains of the sniper who killed my brother.” The bleakness was back in full force and staring out of Jak’s eyes. Torrin didn’t doubt that she meant it.

  “So what are your plans after you blow away your brother’s killer?” Torrin tried to inject some levity into the question, but it fell flat.

  Jak stared at the ceiling again. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She was quiet for a long time, long enough that Torrin thought perhaps she’d fallen asleep. “It’s like I can’t really see myself after that happens.” Her voice was so quiet Torrin had to strain to hear her.

  A chill ran through Torrin, freezing her marrow. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. For the past two years, pretty much all I’ve thought about is putting a bullet through that bastard’s brain. Once that’s done, I’m not sure what’s left for me. Like everything I have to live for is gone once he’s dead.” She paused. “This is all I’ve known for so long. Some days, I feel like I was made for killing. I mean, I’m good at it. It’s hard-wired into me. Did I tell you about boot camp?”

  Torrin shook her head. This was the first time Jak had volunteered something about herself. Anything else Torrin had learned about her past, she’d had to glean from comments Jak made in passing. She barely breathed, not wanting to throw Jak off, to distract her from the moment.

  “The other boots were really welcoming.” Jak barked a laugh devoid of all mirth. “You might not have noticed, but I’m really short. I mean, not so much for a girl, but really short for a man. Some of the other boots thought that made me a weakling.” Her face softened from the bitter lines it had settled into. “Bron tried to stick up for me, which made
things worse. The shit only got worse when he wasn’t around. Worse and harder to pin down. Some of the guys thought they were great practical jokers, and they had a lot of fun at my expense.

  “I put a stop to it after they pulled some crap that almost exposed me.” Her eyes got a distant look to them, and Torrin wondered if she was reliving the moment. Whatever she was seeing didn’t make Jak happy; her eyes had gone hard again. “I put a bullet through the left knee of the leader of the little band of bullying assholes. No one could believe I’d done it. Just to make sure he didn’t get any more ideas, I told him if he ever messed with me again, I’d put one through first one testicle, then through the other. While he was writhing around on the floor, bleeding like a stuck pig, I buried a slug in the floor two centimeters away from his family jewels. They never bothered me again.”

  “Did you get in trouble?”

  “No, actually. I worried for days that they were going to rat me out, but they told the CO that the guy’s weapon had discharged while he was cleaning it. So in exchange for making my life a living hell, he spent a few days in sick bay and then recovered from the wound for two months. He watched his cronies go through the hell of boot camp instead of going through it himself.”

  “But not you?”

  “We got picked out for our marksmanship a few days after I shot him. The higher-ups found out that we were the best in our class, better even than a lot of the snipers they already had. We got fast-tracked into sniper school and missed out on the fun the other grunts had to go through.” She laughed again. “Just think, if I’d waited a couple of days, I wouldn’t have needed to shoot that guy. He got killed a few years later, defending a trench single-handedly after the rest of his platoon was killed, but he held out long enough that we were able to reinforce the position. After all that, and he turned out to be some kind of a hero. Just goes to show, you never really know what anyone’s capable of.”

  Torrin stared at Jak’s profile. Her eyes stared at nothing.